I wear my Dad's smoking jacket as a 'new robe'. But, it isn't working yet. I want to honor that smoking jacket. My sister and I had an estate sale for my parent's townhome. Talk about brutal. We walked through after the sale but before the final clean-up from the crew. My son was with me and my sister.
I found the Smoking Jacket, laying on what was left of my parent's bed....half of the king mattress....heartbreaking.......
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Playoff Sunday, Chili, my five lb ball of white fluff and another Sunday alone
So, I have a good friend who lives in California who is a die-hard Bear's fan. And for him I hope the Bears win....but honestly.....I think I want the Packers to win! And the Steelers. I have always been a Steelers fan since I was a little girl and my Dad was a Steeler fan.
Regardless, it truly doesn't matter who wins today. It is just a game.
Since my Mom passed my Dad has become more and more forgetful. Since September 17, he has watched my Mom pass, had to move from his home to assisted living, bury her....adjust to SO much change. I love hime so dearly. I don't live near him right now. Watching him deal with all this breaks my heart. I feel like our family is so broken. I know I am the cause of so much of the brokeness. I guess everyone of us contributes to bringing the family together or having it break into many pieces. We are in many pieces right now.
I had a date on Friday and I broke the date the relationship off. I REALLY liked this guy. He was the first man I opened up to since my seperation almost 4 years ago. But, he was 'just not that into me' the way I was into hime. We really enjoyed ourselves when we were together but he kept me compartmentalized in his life. After almost a year of dating, he never invited me to socialize with his circle of friends. He would often leave me to go to his friend's home for a football party and such. I got tired of it. I want and deserve more. I hope he finds what he is looking for.
I have so much work to do this afternoon and I am procrastinating. I gave myself until 4:00. Then no more excuses. I am tucked away inside, having a fire, made chili and staying warm. I think this post is lame today....sorry for that.....
Just in a weird mood today!!! Missing the people who are the pieces of my wonderful family. Sad today.
Oh....but....this was on the Today show not long ago and my good friend swears by it.
She cut up Swiss Chard and/or Kale and drizzled it with olive oil, sprinkled with seasoned salt and roasted in a 350 degree oven. Her boys LOVED them! I am definitely going to try it out! I bought some Swiss Chard yesterday to try.....a healthy snack....a fun way to get the young ones to eat veges!!
Ending on smile today....a warm smile.....
Regardless, it truly doesn't matter who wins today. It is just a game.
Since my Mom passed my Dad has become more and more forgetful. Since September 17, he has watched my Mom pass, had to move from his home to assisted living, bury her....adjust to SO much change. I love hime so dearly. I don't live near him right now. Watching him deal with all this breaks my heart. I feel like our family is so broken. I know I am the cause of so much of the brokeness. I guess everyone of us contributes to bringing the family together or having it break into many pieces. We are in many pieces right now.
I had a date on Friday and I broke the date the relationship off. I REALLY liked this guy. He was the first man I opened up to since my seperation almost 4 years ago. But, he was 'just not that into me' the way I was into hime. We really enjoyed ourselves when we were together but he kept me compartmentalized in his life. After almost a year of dating, he never invited me to socialize with his circle of friends. He would often leave me to go to his friend's home for a football party and such. I got tired of it. I want and deserve more. I hope he finds what he is looking for.
I have so much work to do this afternoon and I am procrastinating. I gave myself until 4:00. Then no more excuses. I am tucked away inside, having a fire, made chili and staying warm. I think this post is lame today....sorry for that.....
Just in a weird mood today!!! Missing the people who are the pieces of my wonderful family. Sad today.
Oh....but....this was on the Today show not long ago and my good friend swears by it.
She cut up Swiss Chard and/or Kale and drizzled it with olive oil, sprinkled with seasoned salt and roasted in a 350 degree oven. Her boys LOVED them! I am definitely going to try it out! I bought some Swiss Chard yesterday to try.....a healthy snack....a fun way to get the young ones to eat veges!!
Ending on smile today....a warm smile.....
Friday, January 21, 2011
3:00 AM, The Food Network, and Snow Plowing Issues
So I am not sure what this blog will do for me or for you who chooses to follow it. I hope it will bring thoughtfulness, may be some enlightenment for your your own life journey, a good recipe here or there, some other good hints, may be some inspiration.....maybe just a smile and the ability to relate to some 40-something woman struggling to rebuild her life.
So....Yes.....it is now 3:05 am. Snowing again in the North East. Only 3 -6 inches this time. This lovely snow falling peacefully over 2 feet of snow crusted over by rain. Lovely. Apparently, we are having snow plow drama on the street I live on. You see, my street is a private street so we have to contract to have is plowed. And, being single and alone (no man power), I usually contract with the plow guys who do the street to do my rather long driveway.
Apparently, and I need to confirm with very cool neighbor and friend who knows everything (every neighborhood has that), one neighbor was upset because the plowers covered his lawn ornament lions. No...I am not kidding.
During the email exchange, one neighbor confirmed that of course "rather endanger the entire street than cover our street's most cherished landmark for even one day." He is referring to two recently painted yellow concrete lions. Their house has been on the market for quite some time. I wonder if the lions have anything to do with the fact they can't sell it!! Good GRIEF! Is is the only thing in life to worry about! Problem is, I use the newly fired snow plow guys to do my driveway!!! Life can be simple if you don't have concrete lion ornaments or is it more complicated than that? Seriously, when they painted those lions yellow last summer I laughed and laughed.
3:20 now....I am watching repeats of Iron Chef. The big 'L' on the forehead is coming to mind for me right now.
Read a cool quote today....
"Do you know why a Car's WINDSHIELD is so large
& The Rear view Mirror is so small?
Because our past not as important as our FUTURE.
Look Ahead and Move on."
All the things I thought I held dear are out of my life right now. Well, not all, but most. I am not being morose. I am actually a really positive and upbeat person. But I feel lost. All the cliche's are true. All the 'self help' reading is true. But I am having a hard time embracing it right now. The woman I thought I was is and the one who is growing inside and working to blossom....is it like grafting two rose bushes together? or grafting to make a white pumpkin? WHO needs a WHITE pumpkin! lol....just lots of change to embrace.
My whole perspective of what I THOUGHT I had to be is gone. But I don't yet know where the woman, who is in process of 'udating' herself will end up.
So....Yes.....it is now 3:05 am. Snowing again in the North East. Only 3 -6 inches this time. This lovely snow falling peacefully over 2 feet of snow crusted over by rain. Lovely. Apparently, we are having snow plow drama on the street I live on. You see, my street is a private street so we have to contract to have is plowed. And, being single and alone (no man power), I usually contract with the plow guys who do the street to do my rather long driveway.
Apparently, and I need to confirm with very cool neighbor and friend who knows everything (every neighborhood has that), one neighbor was upset because the plowers covered his lawn ornament lions. No...I am not kidding.
During the email exchange, one neighbor confirmed that of course "rather endanger the entire street than cover our street's most cherished landmark for even one day." He is referring to two recently painted yellow concrete lions. Their house has been on the market for quite some time. I wonder if the lions have anything to do with the fact they can't sell it!! Good GRIEF! Is is the only thing in life to worry about! Problem is, I use the newly fired snow plow guys to do my driveway!!! Life can be simple if you don't have concrete lion ornaments or is it more complicated than that? Seriously, when they painted those lions yellow last summer I laughed and laughed.
3:20 now....I am watching repeats of Iron Chef. The big 'L' on the forehead is coming to mind for me right now.
Read a cool quote today....
"Do you know why a Car's WINDSHIELD is so large
& The Rear view Mirror is so small?
Because our past not as important as our FUTURE.
Look Ahead and Move on."
All the things I thought I held dear are out of my life right now. Well, not all, but most. I am not being morose. I am actually a really positive and upbeat person. But I feel lost. All the cliche's are true. All the 'self help' reading is true. But I am having a hard time embracing it right now. The woman I thought I was is and the one who is growing inside and working to blossom....is it like grafting two rose bushes together? or grafting to make a white pumpkin? WHO needs a WHITE pumpkin! lol....just lots of change to embrace.
My whole perspective of what I THOUGHT I had to be is gone. But I don't yet know where the woman, who is in process of 'udating' herself will end up.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
My Mom and Today's Food for the Soul and Body
I wasted another day yesterday being depressed. Why? WHY? WHAT IS THE POINT OF LOSING ONE MOMENT OF PRECIOUS LIFE?
I did manage to get my hair done. One must have great hair! lol. But, all my plans of errands, oil changes, laundry....nothing. Having brunch today with a man who seems interesting but is not the 'long term' type of material. But....he is making my favorite breakfast food....Eggs Benedict.
Today's FOOD FOR THE SOUL: Negative Emotions do absolutely NOTHING! NOTHING! EXCEPT HURT ME! We all have them. I am going to spend a little time on this Blog getting them out and then they are GONE. I AM WHAT I THINK! And, ask anyone who knows me, I am a GLASS FULL person. NOT EVEN HALF FULL....JUST NORMALLY FULL! BUT SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED.
So....about my Mom. My Mom died on September 17, 2011. She was born on August 8, 1939. I don't know what to say about my Mom. I have plenty to say but it is not all good....and why bother focusing on that. But, I will share a few things as it relates to my journey, not from becoming a 'new' person, but rather and 'updated and improved' version of the woman who is ME!
My Mom was a devoted Catholic. I would say she was more devoted to that than anything else....like her husband. I know she loved him. But, many times, she didn't treat him (or her two girls) with much love or kindness. I think my Mom had issues with anger and depression. (who doesn't?) But the issue with that is she never acknowledged it - at least to us. She didn't get help for it. She just ended up ruining some of the best family times in our lives by creating horrible fights with my Dad and her two girls. She lived in the past and with regret....always with regret. I am sorry she lived that way. A miserable way to live.
I remember sitting for hours with my sister in her bedroom watching TV and just waiting for her to decide she was done fighting with my Dad and show us all mercy of some peace for a while.
I remember when I was little she used to be a lot of fun. 'Normal' if you will, from the eyes of a young child. We would have parties at our house, we would go boating, go to the lake, visit our cousins, normal and fun stuff with a Mom and Dad who smiled a lot.
Then...she got CLOROX. What I mean by this is that when I was in 4th grade things changed BIG TIME in our house. And it all centered in my mind around the time she decided to use straight Clorox to clean the shower in their master bedroom. My goodness it was strong. WHAT WAS SHE THINKING? Well....around that time she apparently had some visions about her own childhood and the fights with Dad started, she isolated us from all our extended family.....by finding reasons they were all bad. And I mean everyone including her own Mother and Sister. So this went on for years.
She wouldn't let us answer the door sometimes when kids came to play. She chose my friends in high school. I had an eating disorder that started in high-school. I was working at McDonalds. And a girl told me how she would eat and then throw-up. I wanted to be skinny. Well, I was skinny, but did not have a good self-image - go figure!
Mom found out about the problem I had when I was talking to my sister on the phone about the school counselor I was seeing about it. She was listening at the door. She then opened the door and told me to hang up. I then got yelled at by both my parents for having an eating disorder. I was told to 'stop it right now'. Nice....huh?
So anyway...you get the picture. I do love my Mom. I miss her too. I miss being able to call her. She was a smoker. She had COPD. She went in the hospital over Labor Day weekend and two weeks later she was dead. And she and my Dad had to make that decision. You see, she was a peanut of about 100lbs. For some reason she could not come off the respirator. So they did a CT scan. 'She has an IMPRESSIVE MASS on the outside of her lung'. An impressive mass that turned out to be a very aggressive and fast-growing tumor. Our choices? 1. Pull the respirator and let nature take its course. 2. Keep her on it and put a feeding tube in her stomach and let the cancer kill her within two months. NICE CHOICES, huh.
She was quite conscious of all that was going on. She and my Dad made the decision to pull the respirator. We kept it in until we were all there with her. My two, my sisters two and Dad and Sister and Me. She died with us all there. She lasted just over an hour. She died on a Friday just after 3:30. Weird that she died around the time Jesus did. I can tell you she was probably quite pleased about that after she got to her heaven. It was the first time I lost someone that close to me to death.
So....I will stop for now and share one of my favorite recipes. I live in the Northeast right now and we got a large snow storm last week and I made this....on of my favorite soups. EASY and YUMMY. I am not going to give amounts. I just sort of do my own thing. I hope you do the same. That way it becomes your creation!
Tortellini Soup
ground Italian sausage
chopped fresh garlic
chopped fresh onion
beef or chicken or vegetable broth
water
fresh chopped tomatoes - or chopped canned. I use grape tomatoes whole and also canned
some tomato sauce
cut up fresh carrots
fresh or dried basil
a bay leaf
sliced zucchini
fresh or frozen cheese tortellini
(my daughter's addition - spinach or kale)
Parmesan cheese
brown sausage. reserve sausage (means take it OUT of the pan). brown onion and garlic in drippings and olive oil if you need it. then add all the ingredients except pasta and zucchini and kale/spinach. simmer for 2 -3 hours. then, I freeze portions if I have made too much for future meals. About 45 minutes before you want to serve, add the zucchini, pasta, and spinach (if desired). salt and pepper to taste. garnish with very YUMMY slivered Parmesan cheese.
Enjoy your Sunday!
I did manage to get my hair done. One must have great hair! lol. But, all my plans of errands, oil changes, laundry....nothing. Having brunch today with a man who seems interesting but is not the 'long term' type of material. But....he is making my favorite breakfast food....Eggs Benedict.
Today's FOOD FOR THE SOUL: Negative Emotions do absolutely NOTHING! NOTHING! EXCEPT HURT ME! We all have them. I am going to spend a little time on this Blog getting them out and then they are GONE. I AM WHAT I THINK! And, ask anyone who knows me, I am a GLASS FULL person. NOT EVEN HALF FULL....JUST NORMALLY FULL! BUT SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED.
So....about my Mom. My Mom died on September 17, 2011. She was born on August 8, 1939. I don't know what to say about my Mom. I have plenty to say but it is not all good....and why bother focusing on that. But, I will share a few things as it relates to my journey, not from becoming a 'new' person, but rather and 'updated and improved' version of the woman who is ME!
My Mom was a devoted Catholic. I would say she was more devoted to that than anything else....like her husband. I know she loved him. But, many times, she didn't treat him (or her two girls) with much love or kindness. I think my Mom had issues with anger and depression. (who doesn't?) But the issue with that is she never acknowledged it - at least to us. She didn't get help for it. She just ended up ruining some of the best family times in our lives by creating horrible fights with my Dad and her two girls. She lived in the past and with regret....always with regret. I am sorry she lived that way. A miserable way to live.
I remember sitting for hours with my sister in her bedroom watching TV and just waiting for her to decide she was done fighting with my Dad and show us all mercy of some peace for a while.
I remember when I was little she used to be a lot of fun. 'Normal' if you will, from the eyes of a young child. We would have parties at our house, we would go boating, go to the lake, visit our cousins, normal and fun stuff with a Mom and Dad who smiled a lot.
Then...she got CLOROX. What I mean by this is that when I was in 4th grade things changed BIG TIME in our house. And it all centered in my mind around the time she decided to use straight Clorox to clean the shower in their master bedroom. My goodness it was strong. WHAT WAS SHE THINKING? Well....around that time she apparently had some visions about her own childhood and the fights with Dad started, she isolated us from all our extended family.....by finding reasons they were all bad. And I mean everyone including her own Mother and Sister. So this went on for years.
She wouldn't let us answer the door sometimes when kids came to play. She chose my friends in high school. I had an eating disorder that started in high-school. I was working at McDonalds. And a girl told me how she would eat and then throw-up. I wanted to be skinny. Well, I was skinny, but did not have a good self-image - go figure!
Mom found out about the problem I had when I was talking to my sister on the phone about the school counselor I was seeing about it. She was listening at the door. She then opened the door and told me to hang up. I then got yelled at by both my parents for having an eating disorder. I was told to 'stop it right now'. Nice....huh?
So anyway...you get the picture. I do love my Mom. I miss her too. I miss being able to call her. She was a smoker. She had COPD. She went in the hospital over Labor Day weekend and two weeks later she was dead. And she and my Dad had to make that decision. You see, she was a peanut of about 100lbs. For some reason she could not come off the respirator. So they did a CT scan. 'She has an IMPRESSIVE MASS on the outside of her lung'. An impressive mass that turned out to be a very aggressive and fast-growing tumor. Our choices? 1. Pull the respirator and let nature take its course. 2. Keep her on it and put a feeding tube in her stomach and let the cancer kill her within two months. NICE CHOICES, huh.
She was quite conscious of all that was going on. She and my Dad made the decision to pull the respirator. We kept it in until we were all there with her. My two, my sisters two and Dad and Sister and Me. She died with us all there. She lasted just over an hour. She died on a Friday just after 3:30. Weird that she died around the time Jesus did. I can tell you she was probably quite pleased about that after she got to her heaven. It was the first time I lost someone that close to me to death.
So....I will stop for now and share one of my favorite recipes. I live in the Northeast right now and we got a large snow storm last week and I made this....on of my favorite soups. EASY and YUMMY. I am not going to give amounts. I just sort of do my own thing. I hope you do the same. That way it becomes your creation!
Tortellini Soup
ground Italian sausage
chopped fresh garlic
chopped fresh onion
beef or chicken or vegetable broth
water
fresh chopped tomatoes - or chopped canned. I use grape tomatoes whole and also canned
some tomato sauce
cut up fresh carrots
fresh or dried basil
a bay leaf
sliced zucchini
fresh or frozen cheese tortellini
(my daughter's addition - spinach or kale)
Parmesan cheese
brown sausage. reserve sausage (means take it OUT of the pan). brown onion and garlic in drippings and olive oil if you need it. then add all the ingredients except pasta and zucchini and kale/spinach. simmer for 2 -3 hours. then, I freeze portions if I have made too much for future meals. About 45 minutes before you want to serve, add the zucchini, pasta, and spinach (if desired). salt and pepper to taste. garnish with very YUMMY slivered Parmesan cheese.
Enjoy your Sunday!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Januray 15, 2011 My First Post
The Smoking Jacket. It is my Dad's. It is a legend....at least in my own mind. I had forgotten about this 'jacket'. I have needed a new robe for months. My pink Barefoot Dreams robe got washed with SOMETHING that made that robe almost colorless. Maybe it was my life that had become 'colorless' - now that I am thinking about it. I couldn't take the 'colorless' robe anymore so, one day, when I had 'had it', I donated it. I leave my window coverings open, for the most part. Walking naked works in the dark but not so good when the school bus is coming down the road and all the little one's are outside.
I needed a new robe. I have been thinking about buying a new robe for MONTHS. You know? You just don't want to have get out of bed (if you sleep naked) and put on PJs or wrap yourself in a towel (which I have done) to let the dog out! Robes are very convenient. Robes can easily cover you.....cover your vulnerabilities. Easy to put on. Easy to take off. I needed a new robe.
I need a new Robe... Joseph had a robe of many colors, if you know that story. The Emperor had a new clothes....Do you think he got a new robe? Things worked out for those two, didn't it?
1/15/2011, 6:50 MT: My Dad just rang me by accident. It is 7:00 am where he lives. He is not well. I called him back. He is getting up to go to breakfast. It was a sign. This is his Smoking Jacket. The sign that I am writing, finally, what I have wanted to write about for a long time. My Father, he is, unequivocally, my hero. The ABSOLUTE most gentle, loving, caring, responsible man I have ever known. He is truly about 'unconditional love'. And I am wearing his 'smoking jacket' as my new robe. By the way, when I was a little girl, he had this eyebrow thing. He raised it....I got in-line....all was good......lol.
Come share this journey with me. I am re-defining the history of this smoking jacket.
I needed a new robe. I have been thinking about buying a new robe for MONTHS. You know? You just don't want to have get out of bed (if you sleep naked) and put on PJs or wrap yourself in a towel (which I have done) to let the dog out! Robes are very convenient. Robes can easily cover you.....cover your vulnerabilities. Easy to put on. Easy to take off. I needed a new robe.
I need a new Robe... Joseph had a robe of many colors, if you know that story. The Emperor had a new clothes....Do you think he got a new robe? Things worked out for those two, didn't it?
1/15/2011, 6:50 MT: My Dad just rang me by accident. It is 7:00 am where he lives. He is not well. I called him back. He is getting up to go to breakfast. It was a sign. This is his Smoking Jacket. The sign that I am writing, finally, what I have wanted to write about for a long time. My Father, he is, unequivocally, my hero. The ABSOLUTE most gentle, loving, caring, responsible man I have ever known. He is truly about 'unconditional love'. And I am wearing his 'smoking jacket' as my new robe. By the way, when I was a little girl, he had this eyebrow thing. He raised it....I got in-line....all was good......lol.
Come share this journey with me. I am re-defining the history of this smoking jacket.
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