I wasted another day yesterday being depressed. Why? WHY? WHAT IS THE POINT OF LOSING ONE MOMENT OF PRECIOUS LIFE?
I did manage to get my hair done. One must have great hair! lol. But, all my plans of errands, oil changes, laundry....nothing. Having brunch today with a man who seems interesting but is not the 'long term' type of material. But....he is making my favorite breakfast food....Eggs Benedict.
Today's FOOD FOR THE SOUL: Negative Emotions do absolutely NOTHING! NOTHING! EXCEPT HURT ME! We all have them. I am going to spend a little time on this Blog getting them out and then they are GONE. I AM WHAT I THINK! And, ask anyone who knows me, I am a GLASS FULL person. NOT EVEN HALF FULL....JUST NORMALLY FULL! BUT SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED.
So....about my Mom. My Mom died on September 17, 2011. She was born on August 8, 1939. I don't know what to say about my Mom. I have plenty to say but it is not all good....and why bother focusing on that. But, I will share a few things as it relates to my journey, not from becoming a 'new' person, but rather and 'updated and improved' version of the woman who is ME!
My Mom was a devoted Catholic. I would say she was more devoted to that than anything else....like her husband. I know she loved him. But, many times, she didn't treat him (or her two girls) with much love or kindness. I think my Mom had issues with anger and depression. (who doesn't?) But the issue with that is she never acknowledged it - at least to us. She didn't get help for it. She just ended up ruining some of the best family times in our lives by creating horrible fights with my Dad and her two girls. She lived in the past and with regret....always with regret. I am sorry she lived that way. A miserable way to live.
I remember sitting for hours with my sister in her bedroom watching TV and just waiting for her to decide she was done fighting with my Dad and show us all mercy of some peace for a while.
I remember when I was little she used to be a lot of fun. 'Normal' if you will, from the eyes of a young child. We would have parties at our house, we would go boating, go to the lake, visit our cousins, normal and fun stuff with a Mom and Dad who smiled a lot.
Then...she got CLOROX. What I mean by this is that when I was in 4th grade things changed BIG TIME in our house. And it all centered in my mind around the time she decided to use straight Clorox to clean the shower in their master bedroom. My goodness it was strong. WHAT WAS SHE THINKING? Well....around that time she apparently had some visions about her own childhood and the fights with Dad started, she isolated us from all our extended family.....by finding reasons they were all bad. And I mean everyone including her own Mother and Sister. So this went on for years.
She wouldn't let us answer the door sometimes when kids came to play. She chose my friends in high school. I had an eating disorder that started in high-school. I was working at McDonalds. And a girl told me how she would eat and then throw-up. I wanted to be skinny. Well, I was skinny, but did not have a good self-image - go figure!
Mom found out about the problem I had when I was talking to my sister on the phone about the school counselor I was seeing about it. She was listening at the door. She then opened the door and told me to hang up. I then got yelled at by both my parents for having an eating disorder. I was told to 'stop it right now'. Nice....huh?
So anyway...you get the picture. I do love my Mom. I miss her too. I miss being able to call her. She was a smoker. She had COPD. She went in the hospital over Labor Day weekend and two weeks later she was dead. And she and my Dad had to make that decision. You see, she was a peanut of about 100lbs. For some reason she could not come off the respirator. So they did a CT scan. 'She has an IMPRESSIVE MASS on the outside of her lung'. An impressive mass that turned out to be a very aggressive and fast-growing tumor. Our choices? 1. Pull the respirator and let nature take its course. 2. Keep her on it and put a feeding tube in her stomach and let the cancer kill her within two months. NICE CHOICES, huh.
She was quite conscious of all that was going on. She and my Dad made the decision to pull the respirator. We kept it in until we were all there with her. My two, my sisters two and Dad and Sister and Me. She died with us all there. She lasted just over an hour. She died on a Friday just after 3:30. Weird that she died around the time Jesus did. I can tell you she was probably quite pleased about that after she got to her heaven. It was the first time I lost someone that close to me to death.
So....I will stop for now and share one of my favorite recipes. I live in the Northeast right now and we got a large snow storm last week and I made this....on of my favorite soups. EASY and YUMMY. I am not going to give amounts. I just sort of do my own thing. I hope you do the same. That way it becomes your creation!
Tortellini Soup
ground Italian sausage
chopped fresh garlic
chopped fresh onion
beef or chicken or vegetable broth
water
fresh chopped tomatoes - or chopped canned. I use grape tomatoes whole and also canned
some tomato sauce
cut up fresh carrots
fresh or dried basil
a bay leaf
sliced zucchini
fresh or frozen cheese tortellini
(my daughter's addition - spinach or kale)
Parmesan cheese
brown sausage. reserve sausage (means take it OUT of the pan). brown onion and garlic in drippings and olive oil if you need it. then add all the ingredients except pasta and zucchini and kale/spinach. simmer for 2 -3 hours. then, I freeze portions if I have made too much for future meals. About 45 minutes before you want to serve, add the zucchini, pasta, and spinach (if desired). salt and pepper to taste. garnish with very YUMMY slivered Parmesan cheese.
Enjoy your Sunday!
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